


Assigned Jobs and Paid Felons

by PinkVomit



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Attempted Murder, Attempted Sexual Assault, Crimes, Dave Strider Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dick Jokes, Dont worry Dave's not gonna kill Karkat, Implied Sexual Content, Jake's butt, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Murder, Nerve, Stalking, Strong Language, The Dark web, The Deep Web, Violence, im not that evil, implied PTSD, ive never fucking watched it, sort of like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 15:36:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkVomit/pseuds/PinkVomit
Summary: Dave Strider is low on cash due to life fucking him up the ass. With a little help from the deep web, doing something illegal has never paid so well and he can keep his head above water. If it was easier to hide his actions from a certain love interest, maybe things would go more smoothly.





	Assigned Jobs and Paid Felons

You can’t believe you’re doing this, but you need the money. The deep web, as it happens, is the one place where you can actually make decent money. Whether it be selling weed, selling pirated copies of movies, or selling stolen objects, it pays better than your day job at the Dollar Store.

Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and right now, you’re in deep shit. You’re 21 years of age and ever since you moved out of your brother’s home (if you can even call it that, it’s more like a gauntlet for the criminally insane), it’s been hard to keep up with rent. That, along with bills, food, college work, textbook payments, and all the materials you’re required to finish buying for your PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS. God, you’ve been barely surviving on CHEESY RAMEN and PURELY IRONIC TEARS. Ever since your sister introduced you to the deep web, you’ve had a chance of surviving on your own.

It’s always been small jobs to complete on random websites; just enough to support you. That was always the case. Sadly, life always finds a way to fuck you over. Since your brother (the older man beast) had some old debts from older friends, he passed some of the burden onto you. This means that you now owe some random guy that’s into plush puppet porn a plethora of pretty precious pennies. $5000 forced away from you, good money torn away because your brother is a selfish prick.

So, what are you doing?

You found a website that will not be shared for safety purposes. The motive behind its existence is unknown to you but it seems dangerous now that you’ve made an account. Basically, when you sign up, people send you tasks to complete to and for other people. Call it a more dangerous “truth or dare” if you want, just leave out the truth. People pay as much as they want for any task they want you to do and you have to record it for evidence. Once that’s done, they send you money and you never have to talk to them ever again.

This is definitely not safe, but who said you were careful with your well-being? Not you!

The moment you finish up your account settings, the ding of your phone detracts any and all attention from it.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG*]  
{TG*]: yoooooooooooooooooooooooo  
[TG*]: lil dstri  
{TG*]: apple juice inspector  
[TG*]: tiny shades guy  
[TG*]: monsieur dickface  
[TG*]: answerrrrr  
[TG*]: lmao are you dead?  
[TG*]: earth to tiny, r u there???  
[TG]: sup rox. sorry, i was setting up my account for something  
[TG]: prostitution.net, definitely  
[TG]: mans gotta make a living somehow, can’t turn into bro and sell plush puppet ass to greasy motherfuckers that are into that shit. bitches be lining up to get a piece of this sweet strider ass. Ill become too hot to handle and too busy having dicks up my ass to visit or go to class  
[TG]: tell mom I love her, cause now my mouths full and I cant say it myself  
[TG*]: u need jesus  
{TG}: is that a sauce  
[TG*]: it sure is, absolutely, 100%  
[TG*]: anyways, wanna head out 2nite? Me n dirk are going to Devil’s Playhouse and its lame partying w/o the fam  
[TG]: eh i dunno  
[TG]: whats in it for me  
[TG*]: do it or ur straight  
[TG}; oh shit now i have to do it  
[TG]: liking pussy in this day of age? inconceivable  
[TG]: for real though, this club better have like  
[TG]: cocktails that are on fire, dancing goats, and dicks swinging as far as the eye can see  
[TG]: so many dicks that lil timmy steps in and immediately gets punted across the room via swinging cock  
[TG]: flies across the room with minor injuries and a sexual awakening  
[TG]: thank you so much magic flying giant dick  
[TG]: its only what a hero can do for a pubescent pimple brat that says the n word over xbox live and probably still drinks nesquick with a red straw  
[TG]: truly the work of god  
[TG*]: they have apple juice + fireball, aaaand some homeless dude doing the helicopter  
[TG]: good enough  
[TG]: when are you picking me up  
[TG*]: now  
[TG}: no i mean  
[TG}: wait  
[TG}: is that your car in my driveway  
{TG*]: get in loser >:3  
{TG}: fuck howd you even get here so fast  
[TG*]: your dick ramble took 15 minutes  
[TG]: fuck okay, hold on lemme dress out of my work clothes

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

You guess that an assignment update from your account can wait. After all, Roxy waits for no one and will drag you out in your dick shorts if you take too long.

-

After a short interlude with you struggling both against time and leggings, Roxy managed to pick lock the door and drag your ass out. God why is she like this? It’s like fate created einstein and the most preppy scene girl, looked away, and accidentally merged the two. “God makes no mistakes”, is the rule so they had to live with this accident and send this bitch down anyways.

As promised, Dirk was sitting in the car. The intense stare directed at his phone hidden behind triangular shades spoke to you in only a way that you knew your brother; he was sending his boyfriend dick jokes. You would’ve moved in with him after leaving Bro’s house, but Dirk’s boyfriend lives with him and you honestly don’t wanna wake up to the loud erotica echoing through the thin walls. Seriously those guys are too fucking loud.

“Okay, Dirky!” Roxy was grinning as you got in the car. “You ready to fuckin party?”  
Dirk nodded, still looking down at his phone. Yup. Total party person. It’s so obvious that it hurts.

Roxy seemed to understand, already starting the car. “You and your bf chatting?”

“He challenged me so i’m spamming him” Ah yes, the rare verbal response. He’s surprisingly more chatty over text, though most of his communications come from half assed irony and memes. Needless to say, you have the upmost respect for Dirk.

“Memes or dick pics,” she asked while pulling out the driveway. “Cause if it’s dick pics, I’m throwing ya out the car”

Dirk gave a small smirk, one that radiated pure internalized chaotic evil. “I sent him the entire bee movie script”

Roxy burst into laughter, swerving in the street before getting back on the main road. Streetlights passed, passed, and passed, and despite Roxy’s constant array of witty one liners you began to zone out. The roofless car made the wind brush past your face- it pushed up the bottom of your shirt lightly and whipped around the plethora of blonde hair in the area. Sounds of the city like the honks of car horns, restaurant chatter, and faded music were all so loud- yet felt like background noise with you above it all. Then, suddenly, it all stopped as Roxy pulled into the parking lot.

Dirk turned in his seat and flashed a half smile. “Earth to Dave, you in there? Or am I gonna have to pull you back?”

You quickly realized that you were staring out the window and fumbled to take off your seatbelt. “Nah. The void of my mind is too comfortable. Gotta keep it real, y’know? Can’t work in customer service and not seep into self hate or the void of existence.”

“Jesus, kid, responsibility is really taking a toll on you, huh?” He leaves the car along with you. Surprisingly, your sister is patient enough to wait for you to get out before wandering off.

The club is loud and filled to the brim with dancing drunks: helicopter homeless man and all. Jugs of spiked fruity drinks, tubs of hot wings, and gallons of apple juice are all lined up in a row. People are either inhaling anything edible, dancing, or using a dance partner as a makeshift stripper pole- and honestly, Roxy says this is a tame night! Shenanigans that include either mouths or tongues ensue. To you, it’s sort of like watching a car crash; so horrifyingly disgusting and intricate that you can’t pry your eyes from the scene. Because of your staring, you immediately lose both of your siblings in the crowd. 

“Motherfuck!”

Great, now you’re trapped in this strangely fun hellhouse on your own. Dancing seems fun in theory, but it’s packed tighter than a can of sardines on the dancefloor (that, and you’re pretty sure that Roxy’s hitting it hard and you don’t wanna steal her spotlight). The bar is another option, but the fear of either your sad drunk side or your stupid drunk side coming to light weighs that option out. Then again, the fireball apple juice offer….it beckons.

There’s a sudden flash memory of you doing a backflip off the roof in a penis costume while sobbing after one shot of whisky, and apple juice fireball no longer beckons. God you’re such a lightweight.

Your last option is the one you go for- hot wings. Ah, being a fatass at heart has never felt so good. The only downside is that the homeless dude is doing the helicopter right next to your table. Shit, you’re staring at it- STOP staring at it- Jesus you can’t look away. How is it still swinging???? His dick should’ve fallen off by now.

Managing to pry your no longer virgin eyes from Mr. Swingy over there, you end up looking over at the bar. There’s a guy with rusty colored hair, dark skin. He’s talk-yelling at a guy he’s right next to, but not in a harsh way. In fact, he sounds like he’s having a great time with the tall guy he’s drinking with.

“....and can you believe that? It’s like satan made a fucking movie about how humanity failed and it morphed into a person! God my job is a fucking nightmare…” Heh, you could relate to him too. You seem to zone out on their conversation till a certain movement catches your eye. It happened so fast that you can’t exactly be sure what went wrong… but it looked as if something was dropped in the yelling guy’s drink.

Now, you’re hyper focused on what’s happening out of fear that you just saw some guy get roofied. Was it that? On the off chance that you might accidentally punch an innocent guy based off blind assumption, you hold yourself back. The yelling guy takes a swig of his drink, the moment makes the entire room feel cold. Every gulp made from him puts you to the edge and as he starts to wobble, your fears are confirmed.

The tall man stands up, taking the yelling guy’s wrist. Struggling is what sends you forward, and the soft cry of shock from the rust haired man tells you that he was in danger. It was a flurry of harsh movements and fists flying. The tall man is on the floor with a bloody nose, you have no idea what you’re actually doing anymore but your body tells you to keep going. You don’t stop- you can’t stop. 

A weak tug on the back of your shirt instinctively makes you stand, tall man leaves running for the door. You take the moment to catch breaths that you didn’t even know you were taking. There’s blood on your fist- God no -there’s blood on your body- please god no - what did you do- this isn’t happening - why would you do this - please not again - oh god what’s going on!?

He’s crying when you turn around and you think it’s all your fault. But, when he sobs a ‘thank you’, you’re only a little relieved. The rusty guy now seems short standing in front of you; his crying doesn’t help that fact. You take his hand and sat with him on the lounge chairs.

You have to breathe slowly with him to calm him and yourself down enough to talk.

“Thank you…” Even when he’s making an attempt to be quiet, he’s still pretty damn loud. “i don’t know what happened, I got so weak…”

“I saw him roofie you, man. I can’t stand for that shit.”

“I still can’t believe he’d do that to me...oh my god, why would he do that to me!?” You hold his shoulder before he begins to panic.

“Hey- hey hey hey, it’s gonna be okay. Take a deep breath.” He stops, taking a deep inhale and exhaling with a closed mouthed scream. “....close enough. That guy needs to stay out of your life, okay? He obviously isn’t good for you”

“He was my best friend.”

Sweet Jesus. “Shit man….look, I’m really sorry. If you want, I can take you home. I mean, if you brought your car here, I can like...I dunno, drop you off and walk home?” The guy shakes his head.

“Gamzee was my ride here and uh… “ The guy blushes and mumbles the last part. Holy shit! He was actually being quiet! “ahdnnomhadriss”

“Sorry, what? I didn’t catch that.”

“Ah dnno mhh adrrs”

“Dude, open your mouth, you’re not pressed against a window”

“I SAID I DON’T KNOW MY ADDRESS” Back to yelling, okay!

This is a problem, oh sweet Christ. “How do you not know your address???”

“I just moved into my friends place, fuck off!”

“Shouldn’t you know the address if you moved there?”

“Oh my god, shut up shut up shut up!”

You were laughing now, holding your chest while doubling over. His face was now red. Groaning, teasing, and more choked laughter continued before you could fully calm down.

“alright alright, Can you ask your friend to pick you up?”

“He was clocked the hell out when I left the house, and he doesn’t wake up for anyone. Fucking asshole.” The guy crosses his arms angrily.

“Damn, shorty, you got some tough luck today” You ruffle his hair, him swatting you and groaning.

“I have a name, don’t call me that!”

Shit, you’re a mess. You forgot to ask the fuckers name, the ONE THING you shouldn’t be awkward at! Introductions are literally the building blocks of communication- how did you manage this???

You decide to shrug off your initial awkwardness and internal screaming. “Aight, well I’m Dave. If you got a name, share it.” Fuck yeah, nailed it.

“It’s Karkat,” he sighs and leans back in his seat. “Nice to actually meet you. What now? I don’t have a way home, I can’t get a ride from any of my dickhead friends, and i’m assuming you didn’t bring your car here. To put it short in attempt to avoid a useless clusterfuck of words, i’m so screwed that a construction worker couldn’t remove me if they tried.”

Oh god, you like this guy.

“Well…. hold on, I have an idea. Are you okay crashing at my place till your roommate wakes up?” As you take out your phone, you can see the clear hesitation and slight fear in Karkat’s eyes. You almost take back the words you said, but he-

“Yeah, that’s okay.”

….He did that.

You open up the text app on your phone and begin pestering your sister.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG*]  
[TG]: rox  
[TG]: rooooooox  
[TG]: gdi  
[TG]: pick up this is important  
[TG]: dont make me start rapping  
[TG]]: i WILL start rapping  
[TG}: ding dong whats its that ghost rider, dave strider  
[TG]: hes back at it again and shit we cant hide  
[TG]: his music fly as fuck his flow so unreal  
[TG]: just like the survival of all the navy seals  
[TG]: yeah im offensive and wrong so sit back and take a ride  
[TG]: cause theres nothing more real than my motherfucking stride  
[TG]: ROXY

This is pointless. You decide to give up on Roxy and instead text your brother.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
[TG]: dirk  
[TG]: hey  
[TG]: yo  
[TG]: if you dont answer ill eat my hat  
[TT]: you dont even own any hats, dave  
[TT]: your hyperbolic expression of distress on my answer time is concerning  
[TT]: whats up  
[TG]: well i was gonna manifest a hat to pull right out of my ass so i could consume it along with my hot wings but you answered and theres no point in that  
[TG]: it couldve gotten a crowd. i couldve become the “hat eater of the devils playhouse”  
[TG]: i could see it now; people lining up from all over the place, taking my photo, asking me to eat another hat  
[TG]: and i would  
[TG]: if you didnt answer  
[TT]: dave  
[TG]: yeah?  
[TT]: get to the point.  
[TG]: oh shit, right  
[TG]: i need a ride back home and roxy isnt answering  
[TT]: no  
[TG]: what?  
[TT]: roxy cant drive you back home and im not leaving her by herself  
[TG]: gdi is she drunk this early in the night  
[TT]: its not about that dave  
[TT]: think for a moment  
[TT]: rox has been expending all her energy on stupid risky shit lately  
[TT]: buying useless things online from the deep web  
[TT]: and now shes dancing like crazy and drinking her weights worth of whiskey after being clean for 5 years  
[TT]: think; whys my sister acting like this  
[TG]: oh  
[TG]: OH  
[TG]: oh god  
[TT]: yeah  
[TT]: sorry, but im not ruining roxys good night out for anything  
[TT]: love ya, lil bro, but she needs this  
[TG]: okay thats fair but how tf do i get home  
[TT]: call an uber  
{TG]: uhhhhh no  
[TT]; short on cash?  
[TG]: nah but im p sure the guy im headed with doesnt need the risk of a kidnapper tonight  
[TT]: so its like that, huh?  
[TG]: what  
[TT]: thats why you need a ride  
[TT]: my lil bro is becoming a man  
[TT]: im so proud of you dave  
[TG]: …  
[TG]: oh my god  
[TG]: no thats n o t what i meant  
[TT]: no need to cover it up, youre 21 now  
[TG]: oh my gooood shut up please  
[TT]: just remember to use a condom  
[TG]: no  
[TT]: dont like that term? okay  
[TT]: hood your snake  
[TG]: stop  
[TT]: wrap up your hotdog  
[TG]: please  
[TT]: armour up your pickle  
[TG]: DIRK  
[TT]: wording is important, dave. just text rose

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Ugh. As useful as your brother’s information can be, he can be a real dick. Then again, so can you. You try not to think about the metaphorical demons Roxy is facing and simply text Rose. She’s always stayed up to the most unholy of hours due to her needs as a writer. That, and she spends her free time reviewing videos on free porn sites in the comment section. If you ever see any comments on pornhub, there’s a 67% chance it’s Rose.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
[TG]: yo rose  
[TG]: i know youre awake  
[TG]: can you stop being gay for like 5 minutes and answer  
[TT]: oh my, you seemed to have caught me in the act of my unfortunate homosexualizing  
[TT]: it is with a heavy heart that i admit to my flawed conundrum of a lifestyle  
[TT]: i, rose lalonde, was “being gay”  
[TG]: lmao all jokes aside, can you pick me up?  
[TG]: im at the devils playhouse and shit just hit the god damn fan  
[TG]: motherfuckers got moving candles and women showing their ankles  
[TT]: scandalous  
[TG]: yeah  
[TG]: i didnt leave my good christian household for a swig of wine to be revolted when seeing the true sin of humanity  
[TG]: womens shoulders  
[TT]: absolutely dreadful, i must bring you home at once  
[TT]: its the least i can do for my favorite sibling  
[TG]: awe shucks thanks rose  
[TG]: ily ill meet you out front  
[TT]: as we murderous millennials say  
[TT]: ily2, dave.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

 

“Looks like my sister can pick us up. C’mon, we gotta wait outside.” As you turn to look at Karkat, he seemed to doze off while leaning on your shoulder. Oh. Oh no. This stranger is cute as hell and now you’re blushing and your words are trapped in your throat an-

MESS YOU WITH THAT GAY SHIT, you’re NOT gaining a crush on this guy. It takes only a gentle shake to wake him up, Karkat seemingly confused and sleepy from a second.

“what….” He yawns, rubbing his eyes. You’re so glad that your shade covers some of the red on your cheeks. You decide to just chuckle and pat his shoulder. “I scored us a ride home, we gotta go out front.”Karkat seems to comply, standing up along with you.

-

It took a few minutes of waiting, waking up Karkat, and bored twiddling of thumbs, but Rose arrives in her car within a reasonable time. Her car is very cheap; it shows through the dirty smoke and multiple dents. You’re about to sit in the front seat, however a stack of books, pages, and lengthy assignments tells you that the particular seat you desired is unfairly taken. In hindsight, though, you should’ve expected this. Rose was never the most organized person. You shared a room with her for five years of both of your lives. A coffee pot found in the hamper of your shared room is what pushed you to take residence on the couch for a few months. 

Upon opening the back seat doors, you quickly realize that her habits have reached there too.

“Rose, what the hell!? Do you live in this car or something???” You begin to push everything onto the floor of the backseat as to let Karkat to take a seat. He does so surprisingly quick, you guess that he’s experiencing the “better than nothing” mentality. God, this is embarrassing.

“Well, if i knew you obtained a date during your endeavors within the domains of scandalous nature, perhaps tidying up may have come to mind.” Rose taps her steering way that most would see as impatient. This is never the case, though. She taps out of pure enjoyment of the sound and you know it.

“Actually Rose, thank you so much for making sure your car was fuck deep in your writing. I should’ve actually asked you to bring more. I’ve always wanted to get paper cuts on my asshole.” You somehow find a place to sit. She begins to drive, and it’s thankfully safer than Roxy’s certain style.

She lets out a soft laugh. “In that situation, I would have brought all of my erotic rewrites of modern fiction. I’ll be sure to send you a copy in the mail.”

“Sis, you already know my answer to that.”

“Send the Superman/ Batman slash fiction?”

“Stop reading my mind.”

The conversation seemed to die off from there, Karkat falling asleep yet again. The cheap car didn’t provide the same wind that relaxed you, but the eye-catching view of the passing city made the time pass faster. You guess that Rose took this route just for you; there were other faster routes for her to drive. Sounds of the road- little traffic, people chatting amongst themselves, and the noises of a restaurant cleaning up after closing- were all muffled by the dirty window. It came in second nature for your hand to begin to twiddle. It moved until it found Karkat’s hair- him having fallen onto your lap after a while. You pet his hair until the silhouette of your small rental home can be seen. The reason it’s highly identifiable to you in this lack of light is strange, but you make an effort to not think about it.

It had taken a bit of extra effort to get out of the car. Starting a conversation with Rose was easy, but you having to end it would take a while. The resistance to talk, paired with the sleepiness of Karkat, and the wanting to just stay relaxed in the car was surprisingly seductive. Still, you managed to find your keys and let Karkat in.

He fell onto the couch and didn’t come up. The guy has his priorities straight- you at least knew that much about him. One blanket, pillow, and soft goodnight later, you headed to bed.

You lay down. God, sleep has never called to you so strongly. The sweet siren call of rest nearly consumes you….until you hear a notification from your laptop. Sitting up while rubbing your eyes, you open it to see your deep web account.

"10 open jobs for you"

Holy shit.

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh I finally got this first chapter out, YES!!! This first chapter started out as a time killer for my classes, but I think I actually wanna make this a thing. Feed back is highly appreciated, so if you have something to say, say it.  
> It is a pleasure to be here.  
> \- PinkVomit, Ram C. Conner


End file.
